I’ve been meaning to write this funny sex story that someone had told me a couple months ago and now, here it is. And I’m not sure what many of you guys are thinking just from reading the title, but we’ll see…

A friend told me that she knew a couple (they are no longer together) that had a sex life that was very experimental. Now, now, don’t jump conclusions just yet. But they were college kids having fun and wanting to try new and interesting things, and we all should know when people try things like that, there will always we funny stories to follow it!

But Robert and his girlfriend at the time, Judy (not their real names by the way, matter of fact, I don’t know them, I only know the person who told me this story) were like humping rabbits and one day they just wanted to try something new.

Again, probably not what you’re thinking just yet.

But Robert and Judy were watching television one day and, of course, they must’ve been watching something extremely boring or, um, porn? Yeah, that’s it. Porn. Well, they saw some hardcore action which resulted in anal sex.

And yes, you’ve guess it. Robert suggested trying that out with Judy.

Judy was hesitate because of all the things she’d heard about it and how it hurts but she was willing to try it.

They didn’t jump right into it, but did oral then intercourse before proceeding to anal in a doggystyle position.

Surprisingly, Judy liked it and really got into it.

Robert must’ve definitely been doing it right, nice and slow, especially for her first time. And of course, he was shocked how much Judy got into it, until…

Robert looked down, went to go smack her ass until he noticed something on ‘lil Robert’ if you know what I mean. What was it? Yup, you guessed. Apparently, it was some sort of vegetable, some greens of some sort.

Judy must’ve eaten veggies that goes in one hole and comes out the other.

What did Robert do? Well, he was embarrassed to even bring it up to her, but at the same time, he was sort of turned off by it. So he paused real quick, picked it off and tossed it and preceded about his business.

Hey, that’s guys for you. They don’t need those veggies!

Before I begin this story, let me tell you guys what ‘queef’ means, for those that do not know. ‘Queef’, in simple terms is a pussy fart. The proper term is ‘vaginal flatulence’ in which an emission of air from the vagina is let out sounding somewhat like a fart, but there’s no odor associated with it.

So, here’s this story that I heard and I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, most of these ‘Funny Sex Stories – But True’ stories get me laughing, that’s why I write about them for you guys to hear.

Anyways, this girl, let’s call her Emily (yeah, Emily sounds like a good ‘queefing’ name) used to go out with his guy, let’s call him Will. They’re no longer together, but when they were, they would get into fights all the time. We all know what that means to their sex lives, don’t we?

Fights in relationship = either rough sex or lots and LOTS of makeup sex.

But one day they got into a stupid fight, arguing about using each others makeup too much or something. (For the record, it was probably Will stealing Emily’s makeup – and you wonder why they’re broken up!) It went from arguing to grabbing each other and just stripping down each others clothes off to sex.

Dirty talking, hair pulling, moaning and groaning then it gets to the 69 position. I hope you guys know what the 69 position is because if you don’t, the story isn’t going to be as funny.

Ok, fine. I’m afraid there’s going to be that one person that doesn’t know. 69 position basically like how the number ‘69’ looks. Two people giving each other oral sex at the same time.

Emily and Will had raw sex for a little bit before going into the 69 position. Will was on top. But at one point, Will inserted into Emily’s mouth a little further down her throat than she expected so she half gagged. She gagged, coughed, then ‘queefed’ right in Will’s face.

She heard it. Will had it aired directly into his face. Then silence of curiosity hit the scene.

Will: “Was that just a…”

Emily: “It’s not what you think it was!”

They both started to crack up laughing. And the more Emily laughed the more queefing was happening, right into Will’s face. So he quickly pushed her off and was like “Stop ‘varting’ in MY FACE already!”

They didn’t finish their sex session by the way. I mean, could you have after all the laughter and queefing? Emily’s lucky Will didn’t start producing his own gasses to direct right into her face.

If you're reading this sex blog, more than likely you're not a virgin. That's understandable. And if you're a virgin reading this, well, I hope you learn something. Matter of fact, virgin or no virgin, I hope you get at least something out of my sex blog.

But I heard this story, and I'm almost positive that it's happened to one of you guys before too! Well, let's hope not.

So, there was a guy who met this girl over the internet. They talked for at least six months (internet and telephone) before they decided to meet with each other in person. Let's call them Joe and Marie. They met each other... blah, blah, blah... all the boring stuff of getting to know each other and making sure they're not psychos...

But one day, Joe decides to put the moves on Marie, cause I guess he got some Don-Juan-like skills or something, and she falls into his temptation, even though she wanted to wait. He brings her back to his place, seduces her and lays her down on the bed. Marie was so intoxicated by his seduction that it was hard for her to deny him or anything. She tried her hardest to say 'no' but it just became meaningless.

Joe was caressing Marie up and down, slowly undressing her and kissing her. Soon, both of them were completely naked. Joe was kissing on Marie's neck, moving down to her nipples, licking down to her belly button and soon he starts going down on her, giving the oral pleasures Marie never had before.

Joe had noticed an awkward smell that he wasn't accustomed to. But he just kept going anyways.

"Oh, Marie. You're sssooooooo wet..." says Joe, while licking her clit and digging his face into her pussy.

Joe inserts himself into Marie. They both get into it, but again, Joe couldn't get that smell out of his head. What was that? Should he ask and possibly ruin the moment? Nope. He just sucks it up and continues about his business.

20 minutes later... Joe is so distracted by the smell that he had to stop and ask, "What is that smell? Do you smell that?"

"No," replied Marie.

Joe turns on the light and Marie gasps.

"What? What is it?," asks Joe, but silence was the only reply. He looks in the mirror right by the door and yells...

"OH MY FUCKIN' GOD!!!!"

He had blood all over his face like someone painted a bloody beard on him. He looked down and blood was all over his dick, legs and some on his hands.

Yup, you guessed it. Marie had just gotten her period prior to having sex with Joe, though, she just thought she was wet.

Well, in her defense, she tried to say 'no.'

So, for the fellas reading this, or even the ladies... next time you're trying to have sex but they say 'no' then 'no means no!'

Or you'll end up disgusted - period!

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Have you ever had phone sex? Maybe, maybe not? But a friend of mine told me this story and I couldn’t stop laughing. To make sure I wasn’t the only idiot laughing at what I thought was funny, I told my roommate the story too… he laughed harder than I did. So, that tells me it was either funny as hell like I thought it was or both of us have a stupid ass sense of humor. You be the judge…

Ok, let me explain what phone sex is: It’s basically doing everything sexual you can over the telephone, more verbal than visual but you can imagine everything that’s going on. It usually has to do with dirty talking, moaning and groaning, but also self gratification.

But I was told that this guy and girl were having phone sex. It started off like a normal conversation until they started asking each other some personal, yet curious questions. One thing led to another and they start talking about sex. (Hey, sex is on EVERYONE’S mind – you’ve talked about it before! Shoot, you might have had phone sex and never even known it!) But let’s call them Joe and Jaclyn.

While hearing this story told to me, it seemed that Jaclyn was a phone sex virgin. Either that or Joe was a professional phone sex hoe or just very curious and perverted. But Joe was asking Jaclyn various things to do to herself like rub on her nipples, rub on her clit, etc.

But things get interesting… I couldn’t even imagine what was in stored next! (And I have a crazy ass imagination!)

Joe asked Jaclyn to get a cup of ice and a spoon.

“Why? What for?” says Jaclyn.

Joe: “Don’t worry, don’t worry… just do it.”

Jaclyn agrees, definitely curious what it was for, but she gets a cup of ice and a spoon.

“Now put the spoon in the cup of ice,” says Joe.

Jaclyn: “But why?”

Joe: “Don’t worry, don’t worry… just do it.”

And again, Jaclyn simply agrees to it.

Five minutes goes by and now the spoon is cold as ice.

Joe: “Ok, now take the spoon out of the cup of ice and rub it on your clit.”

“But why? What is it going to do? What’s going to happen?” says Jaclyn.

Joe: “Don’t worry, don’t worry… just do it.”

Jaclyn agrees, and then she starts rubbing the cold spoon on her clit. After a while of rubbing, she starts feeling this tingling sensation that she’s never felt before; a great and pleasurable feeling she’s never felt before!

Jaclyn: “oooo… oooo… it feels great.”

“Now put the spoon inside your pussy,” says Joe.

With no hesitation, Jaclyn sticks the spoon inside of her. She was so into the phone sex and what Joe was telling her to do that she didn’t bother asking any questions this time around.

Bad move.

Jaclyn: “Oh shit! What the fuck?! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!”

Joe: “What? What happened?!”

Jaclyn: “It’s stuck in my pussy!”

Apparently, Jaclyn had taken the biggest spoon she could find in her house. I assumed it was a spoon equivalent to scooping soup from a pot. But she was freaking out so much that she was yelling at Joe.

Joe: “Don’t worry, don’t worry…”

Jaclyn: “Don’t worry?! I got a fuckin’ spoon stuck inside my pussy!”

At least Joe was there to talk her through it. She was forced to walk to the bathroom with a spoon hanging out of her coochie and add hot water to it like her pussy was a cup of noodles. Three minutes later and it’s ready to be served again!

So next time someone tells you “Don’t worry… don’t worry…” just think about this story, cause who knows? You might end up with a spoon stuck in your pussy or even your ass!

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Interestingly enough, there's quite a few people that do not know what the term 'Donkey Punch' means... Don't worry, I looked up the definition for ya'll on wikipedia.org. It states, "Donkey punch is a slang term for a potentially lethal sexual practice sometimes performed during anal sex. The purported practice involves the penetrating partner punching the receiving partner in the back of the head or neck."

Personally, I have never tried this and not really sure if I ever would, but I know someone that knows someone else who heard from his boy that his boys boy has done this before! This is his story...

This guy, let's call him Jack, was a military man. He was serving overseas a few years back, somewhere in Europe, and of course, there's always stories... very, very interesting stories!

One night, Jack and a few of his military buddies went out to enjoy the scenary of a new country, the beautiful women, the bars and all that good stuff. (Hurry up and get to the sex! - sshhhh... patience.) After a couple hours of bar-hopping, Jack and his crew found themselves at a whore house. Wait, a "whore house?" A place where women sell their sex services for money in a organized business?! Apparently so.

So, four miltary men walk into a whore house... haha... but only one of them decides to pay for a woman for the night. Yes, you've guessed it. It was Jack. They all chipped in their euros (the currency in Europe for those that don't know) to get Jack this one woman for the night. Actually, just for a couple hours. While Jack leaves to go into a private room with his woman, his friends waited outside for him with two bodyguards.

"oooooo.... ooooo..." Jack gets himself started... the woman gets really into the sex moaning and groaning, hair whipping all over the place. (But keep in mind, she is getting paid for this - she's faking it) So they went from foreplay to missionary to her riding like a cowboy to doggystyle.

And here it goes...

The woman is still moaning, almost screaming, and Jack's just as into it as her so he starts pulling on her hair. He notices how much she's loving the hair pulling, so he starts getting a little rough. While he's still pulling on her hair with his left hand, he cocks back his right arm and swings.

The woman screams. The bodyguard's burst into the room and Jack's friends hover over them to see what happened. All they see is the woman on the floor holding the back of her head and Jack standing there covering his dick with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"What? I was really into it. I thought she was too!" says Jack.

The bodyguards grab Jack's ass and tosses him outside the whore house. His friends couldn't stop laughing. The only thing Jack had on was his condom.

"What about my clothes?!"

The bodyguards don't give it to him and they decided to call the police while they're at it. Jack's friends start running yelling "Come on Jack! Let's go! The police are gonna be here soon!"

So for those of you that now know what it 'Donkey Punch' means, but are still questioning, "what's the point of it? And why would you do it? Are you sick or something?" Supposedly, it gives you an orgasmic experience. But you have to do it right. It's said that "After you do doggystyle and then moments before you cum, you're supposed to stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate."

Of course, you have to do it right. Just make your sure your ass doesn't end up like Jack after you attempt the 'Donkey punch.' Cause you'll just end making an ass out of yourself.

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Let me start off by telling you what a ‘Rimjob’ is, for those that don’t know what it means. Rimjob, according to urbandictionary.com, is “the act of orally stimulating the external anal sphincter to cause sexual arousal.” In other words, trying to French kiss someone’s asshole. It sort of redefines the meaning of telling someone to “kiss your ass” huh?

But someone told me this story, I was laughing my ass off (no pun insteaded) but at the same time, I was kind of disgusted. Don't get me wrong, I think I have a sick sense of humor, as do a lot of you guys that are reading this, but I'm glad I was not a witness to this.

My friend told me that he knew someone who went to clubs and bars all the time. And we all know guys don't go to clubs to dance. They go to try and get as many phone numbers from the fine women they see or simply to pick up a lovely lady just for the night. Well, that's exactly what this guy did. For the sake of this story, I'm going to call him Bob. (If it's a coincidence that the real person's name is really Bob, my fault.)

But after hours of bumpin' and grindin' with all these women he saw at the club, he found that one sexy lady that agreed to go home with him. And here it goes...

It wasn't exactly how you see it at the movies. Like kissing, knocking things down while trying to take their clothes off before making it to the front door. They actually checked into a motel. A very cheap one. Not Holiday Inn or Motel 6, but let's just say... a cheap one. Obviously, both of them agreed on having sex before checking in. Unless, they just wanted to spend the night spooning together. If that was the case, this has to be the lamest 'Funny Sex Stories - But True' entries EVER!

So, they have sex. "Ooooohhhhh yyyeeessss..." and all that good stuff. (If you're reading this, you know what sex is like! You can imagine the details for yourself!)

After about 30 minutes (in reality, it was probably like 12 minutes, 23 seconds long, but we'll make him look good) of sex, they take a quick break. Bob's all relaxed like he just let his demons out or something. But then his lady companion was far from done.

"We spent $49.99 for the whole night... we're not done yet!"

She starts rubbing and kissing on his chest and continues to proceed downwards. She starts giving him some much needed attention orally, then decides to start licking around his asshole. Please note: Refer back to the 'Rimjob' definition, as stated previously if you forgot already. Bob can't believe what is going on. He was very surprised like 'hey, hey, what are you doing back there!' He gets pretty freaked out, definitely more than he is getting pleased. But he lets her continue...

After about 10-15 minutes of giving Bob his first 'Rimjob' she starts making her way back up top. She leans towards Bob and tries to kiss him on the lips... Bob freaks out, jumps up and knocks her right off the bed. By the time she gets off the floor, Bob is already putting on his pants. He storms out the room, "Thanks for a lovely evening! We'll have to do it again sometime!"

While walking out the door he mumbles to himself, "Oh, HELL NAH! We ain't doing this again! She done tried to kiss me after giving me a rimjob and I had the runs all day! I'm not even sure if I wiped my ass that good!"

Moral of the story: If you meet a guy for the first time at a club, more than likely he's a filthy stank ass. And yes, I mean that literally.

I heard this story from a friend. Was it true? I have no idea. I wasn't there and I'm usually a see-it-to-believe-it type of person. But I'm too lazy and I'm not a peeping Tom (or a Peeping Jay).

But my friend told me that he has a close female friend that was married, just recently divorced, who had one of the worst sex partners "EVER" in bed. Damn, "worst?!" "Ever?!" That's either very harsh and lies or completely true and just very unfortunate for that guy.

Well, this woman, let's call her... Lucy (I do apologize if there are any Lucy's out there that's had a similar experience, this isn't about you, I just made out the name for the hell of it). Well, Lucy is only 27-years-old and divorced this past year. But I guess she just wasn't happy anymore, and I'm only talking sexually. I have no idea about anything else, I didn't ask my friend on too many details. She was with her ex-husband for about four years and she claims that he was very selfish in bed. Supposedly, he would never go down on her (give oral) and he was, um, like superman in bed (faster than a speeding bullet - for those who didn't catch that metaphor). In addition, it was the same position, same routine type of sex almost every single time.

So, one day Lucy decided to try something new, kind of on her own. Well, her ex-husband helped, in a way. She decided to try an experiment while he was asleep. Since he was a heavy sleeper, he wouldn't notice anything anyways. Again, I'm not 100 percent convinced on if this story is fully true either!

But I guess one day, Lucy decided to wake up very early because she heard guys get erections all the time in the mornings. Well, first day she tried, no luck. Maybe she didn't wake up at the right moment? Or stay awake long enough? But she wasn't convinced that the information she heard was false, just yet. The next morning, same thing but she decided to stay awake longer, maybe even get some coffee for caffeine - who knows? But after waiting a while, she noticed a bulge coming from his pajama bottoms. And here we go...

She slickly, yet determinely, took his pants off. Put a condom on him and got on top of him. The sex went on for at least 20-25 minutes before he woke up. When he did, he started getting into it. He started holding and caressing her, then she gets off. Literally. He was just as puzzled as I was when I was told this story. He asked "Why'd you stop?"

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Lucy replied, "Hey, I got mine. Twice. You should've been awake earlier."

And adds, "But it's okay, that was the best sex I've ever had! You should be asleep for it more often."

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I don't know about all of you guys, but I thought that was funny but was still, I wasn't fully convinced it was true. I mean, come on, how could he keep an erection while he sleeps and she has sex with him without him knowing? Exactly.

So, I decided to look up some stats and facts, and here's what I found (Thanks to The World Health Organization, mrbrown.com and whitelotuseast.com):

• During sleep, the normal adult male will have an erection approximately every 90 minutes
• The length of time a man might stay continuously erect can be on the average be about 30 - 45 minutes
• Nocturnal erections occur during all male dreams (regardless of what the dream is about)
• Erections are firmest during deep sleep right before waking up
• A man sleeps an average of 2 to 3 hours a night in full erection
• The average male averages 4-5 nocturnal erections during sleep every night

Hey, don't believe me... go try it yourself! I just hope it doesn't happen to me. (Sorry to that guy of the story!)



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